Your Beautiful Heart

The other day I got home from work and running errands to an apartment with no power.  My phone was at about 10% and my computer at about 30% with no internet.  The sun was starting to set by this point so I lit some candles and dove into one of the new books I had bought recently.  I started reading Your Beautiful Heart by Lauren Scruggs and I wound up getting more than half way through on that first night and finished it over the next two.  And I now believe my beautiful heart is changed.
For a while I've been trying to strengthen my relationship with the Lord- trying to seek Him in all that I do and relying on his guidance instead of my own wants and needs.  I've been trying to attend more church services and read more scripture- to just be better in my faith.

Lauren's book was the perfect book for me at this point.  It reassured me that God knows my mistakes, my attempts to seek Him, and most importantly, my heart.  He loves me no matter what and always forgives me for what I may consider short-comings.  Lauren simply says that God's love is something we never have to worry about because Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and that we'll have eternal life with Him!  I know this.  I've known all of this since I was little, but Lauren's book explained and made me understand it in a different way with real stories and analysis of his word.  

Lauren draws a clear picture that God cares about our heart and that we're all beautiful in His eyes.  I was reminded to look to Him in all things, good and bad.  To look to Him in pain and to let Him heal.  To look to Him in love and let it be centered around Him.  To look to Him in happiness and know He hears my beaming heart.  To look to Him for answers, knowing He hears my questions.  To follow His plan, because it's better than the one I could make for myself.  To believe in answered prayers.  To see myself as God sees me and not by the way I view myself in the mirror (or how I compare myself to others).  God listens to our complaints and helps us understand through his word. 

I definitely read this book quicker than it was intended, but I just couldn't stop.  I was hungry to hear the stories of God's love spelled out for me on these pages.  I'm excited to go back and reflect on what I've learned and how my beautiful heart is for God with the discussions Lauren has laid out at the end of every chapter.  

My beautiful heart is changed.  & if you're looking for a little inspiration I highly recommend reading this book.  Your beautiful heart may be changed too!

A Different Christmas

Christmas was different this year.  Not only was it the first time that I felt like I was "going home" for Christmas, it was the first one without my cousin, Drew.

Drew loved Christmas.  Drew still loved reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and he still threw reindeer food and his face still lit up when we talked about Santa.  He was the magic of Christmas.

As with any loss, you have to learn to adjust to your new life and carry that person's memory with you wherever you go.  It's still so hard and my heart still aches everyday.

We started a new Christmas tradition this year in Drew's memory.  Prior to Christmas my aunt and uncle brought a small Christmas tree to the cemetery.  On the day we all went to celebrate Christmas with Drew as a family, we each brought an ornament to decorate the tree.  We also brought balloons and wrote messages to Drew.  We stood around his grave and said prayers before letting our balloons go together.  I couldn't believe that when we got back in the car, "It Won't Be Christmas Without You" was playing on the radio.

My aunt and uncle plan to bring the Christmas tree to the back yard of their home, where Drew used to run and play.  They plan to plant it next to a tree my uncle planted the year Drew was diagnosed and hope to continue this tradition for years to come.

This Christmas we didn't take a picture of the "cousins" because it's still just too hard.  Baby steps.

The Bracelet On My Wrist

The other day as I was having a conversation with a new friend I saw her glancing at my bracelet a few times.  The bracelet that I've worn off and on for 7 years but hasn't left my wrist since September 30th.  The bracelet that sometimes can either bring me to tears or make me smile in an instant when I look down at it.    The bracelet that has a story much different than I ever thought.  The bracelet that's a bright royal blue and reads "Drew's Hope" in white letters.  I wanted her to ask me about it.  I wanted to tell her everything about what the bracelet on my wrist symbolizes.

Maybe it's because I miss him so much or because the new friends in my new life don't really know his story.  But I wanted to tell her and I didn't know how. I didn't know how to tell her that "Drew's Hope" is the name of the foundation my aunt and uncle created for my cousin.  That Drew's Hope has been a staple in my community back home- raising money and awareness for Batten Disease research.  That because of the money raised Drew was a part of innovative research for the disease and others throughout his life.  And mostly I didn't know how to tell her that we lost him just 2 months ago.

But as a whole the bracelet means so much more than that.  It symbolizes the hope for a cure.  The hope we had for a miracle.  The hope that Drew is an inspiration to others.  The hope that Drew was a part of research that will be innovative in changing medicine.  And really, to me, the bracelet reminds me to still have hope even though he's gone.  To be grounded in my faith, even when that's shaken to the core.  To find the good even when parts of your world are falling apart around you.  And to be eternally grateful for the time I had with him and the countless lessons he taught me.

Drew was an angel on earth and this bracelet symbolizes everything he stood for.